Every person has a whole world that exists in their own head. No one else will ever see that world. I forgot about that. When I meet someone I habitually analyze their person, and assume that who I see is who others see as well and also who they themselves see. Generally, you can see a joyful spirit instantly, but a lifetime lives in the minds of every thing, and we’ll never really know the person as they see themselves. Reflections on water, glass, and mirrors don’t appear the same. Your reflection in someone else’s eyes is the same way – always unique. I struggle with people a lot of the time. I don’t understand their reflection, so when I try and speak to them, it seems they don’t hear me. When they speak, I can’t hear them.
I’ve felt this for a very long time. I have no patience for small talk. Even medium talk most of the time. It’s unfortunate, but I get bored and tune out, not very kind, but it’s part of me right now. I crave connection to humans on a soul to soul level, anything else is a waste of time. I am struggling to expand my methods for finding this. Generally, its instantaneous – eyes on fire. Fires are helpful. Less need to fill the silence and end up talking about something safe that connects you to another person, like how you are both from the same town or you both spent a summer in Europe or you both have car troubles. All I want to know about anyone is that they know they are alive and what they are doing about it. But no one talks about that stuff. We generally stumble over our words when the topic comes up, it requires letting down defenses, after the first sentence or two sometimes nothing else can be said.
At this point I’m not willing to put full effort into anything that does not first start with a knowledge and acknowledgement of how little we know and how beautiful the world is.
It’s easy to second guess yourself. Much easier than believing in yourself. There are so many ways to go. I think a lot about if there’s something that I should be putting my time into. I spent so many years crafting an ability to stretch my mind and it’s terrifying to think that maybe I’m losing something that took so long to create. But I also know that it’s laced with drugs. The most dangerous of which is the approval of others – no matter what their priorities are.
I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m approaching it like a chance to learn something about being alive. It’s like there are ten people in my head and each day or every few hours someone else comes out to play and I have no say in the matter. At the same time, I want to have control over who I am. Now, I am one person, speaking as if there is more than one, so maybe there’s a better way to say this.
As I write this, I am unhappy with the way it’s coming together. Its disjointed, it doesn’t fully explain my thoughts. But I’m posting this anyways, because this is life, and I am a fumbling human, and I will always be a fumbling human, and I’m learning to be ok with that.