I still wake up anxious that I don’t have a plan some days, like today. I’ve been running from the part of myself that never changes and has the answers, and generally running away is because of fear, but I cant figure out what I’m scared of.
At full speed I lie constantly. I don’t give myself time to tell the truth, only time to appease whatever half understood intention happens to be pulling for my attention. I want so badly to tell the truth, but it feels like theres no time to figure out what that is and then express it in words. Feeling like you might be lying is the most anxiety provoking experience. It’s like I’m in one of those nightmares where you are trying to run away from the monster but your feet will hardly move and the monster is coming at full speed. For everyone else it appears comfortable to move at this already learned speed of life in the normal activities of the day, comfortably jogging up the hill while I slip on the loose ground entering a panic state to try and stay within yelling distance.
There seem to be serious demarcations between being in one plane and another. I can’t tell if this is true for other people too, because from my perspective the outward person seems to switch from place to place with ease, where I am totally attached to one and moving to the next feels like ripping a teddy bear from a child before bed.
Let me try to describe this thing. Gosh its like I have this picture of it in my head and it makes me think of how people describe psychedelic drug experiences. The intersections of intuition and logic. There’s so many of these so I will try and describe a few and see how that goes. Experiencing life, we travel around from one world to another and also end up in between. An example: there’s this feeling that becomes your whole world when you are fully present and there’s a way that our brain works when we are open and aware of the things happening. These worlds have gravity, and the closer we are to them, the more their gravity pulls on us and the gravity from other worlds fade away. It is literally impossible to both be fully present and having an anxiety attack at the same time, these worlds are not close together. But, the borders are fuzzy. These balls of fire, stars in their own right of different size and composition, don’t just stop emitting and you can be near the center of one, their gravity so strong that it is extremely difficult to move away towards another star whose gravity is so weak in comparison. And at the edges of the gravitational fields of these places in our minds and souls, the direction we move is determined by the flapping of the wings of a butterfly somewhere at the edge of the universe. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were that simple?
Actually I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t.
I’m trying to describe this internal phenomenon using physical phenomenon, but as I do so I think maybe we would quicker learn the physical through the internal. They constantly mimic each other, so if there is something I recognize internally that I do not see externally, I should go looking.
That was a pretty good tangent, back to running away. Something I literally just did here.
I am a flight-instincted animal, and flight is currently on overdrive. Not sure why, some cocktail of past wounds leaving emotional scars. If at all possible, in a dangerous situation, fly away. Dangerous to the physical person, dangerous to the known, dangerous to the ego. Run. I’ll run again here, but hopefully only for a minute.
As is true with every thing, the opposite of this is also true when I am near stars like the fully present one I described before. And sometimes when near those stars, protection mode may dissolve so much that I am blinded by the good I see and forget that anything could be dangerous.
This duality is something I wish the world could embrace more. It’s so easy to put people in categories, based on how they feel about a particular thing at a particular time. It’s so much easier, we don’t have to keep thinking about it and continue to analyze new because we can put it in the same place and treat it the same as the old. But it’s all just stuff and it changes all the time.
We have to make our most educated decisions about things but that should always leave room for the fact that we don’t know very much. I cannot hate people because they support some presidential candidate or another. I have an internal compass that is not based on fear or ego preservation and I have an external one that is. Yes, I have both. So does everybody. While I get signals from both, I’m choosing to try my hardest to listen to the internal one. I will make mistakes, I will judge people for something that they don’t deserve, but I’d like to keep doing that less and less. I think that’s the important thing. I think admitting it when it happens is important, too.
Since once again this is such a crazy mish mosh I think I should add a bit of disclaimer to this post. I’m just trying to sort through all these things I never gave any time to. It’s not organized, it’s not backed up, it’s raw. Sometimes exposing the raw is good. There’s a really good chance I only mean some of these things sometimes, and that the way I’ve said them in words doesn’t actually give much information on what I was thinking. But it’s real, and I am really enjoying sharing it with you.
And there you have it – ran away again.