Melissa’s Decision

Melissa’s Decision

The why is pretty difficult to explain.  I’ll apologize upfront for the lack of clarity in my words and explanations, because it’s a topic that I never learned how to express in words.  Its more seated in a feeling and a change in perspective.  And perspective is everything, and everyone’s is unique.  So to explain a change in my perspective is like playing telephone charades.  But I’m going to try, because it’s the most important thing that’s ever happened to me.

As a human, there’s all this stuff I take for granted that is absurd.  I take simple things for granted and then I build on those simple assumptions and then I make even more complicated assumptions and this continues and crosses over and connects to other assumptions.  So I get confused all the time because I base my decisions on things that aren’t true.  I’ll try an example, that might clarify things.  And this is a big one, it’s one of the building blocks that really disorients me.   Ok.  Here we go.

I have a brain.  I can think through things.  I went to school and learned things and studied and started out not understanding things and then eventually I did understand them after practice, focus, and intention.  So this ability –  I assumed – told me all about the world around me.  I spent so much time training it and focusing on my mental ability to comprehend through primarily logic, that I assumed this is how you understand life.  One of the big reasons I assumed this is because I have a huge ego.  Myability to understand was the right and best way.  For the majority of my life I denied that there was any other way to even see this, I never even thought about it because I took it for granted as true.  Because what I see and what I experience through my intellect and senses is all that is possible in life.  Ok, so I relied so heavily on this one thing, this logic.  I went to college, and then I went back and got a graduate degree, and this very much reinforced my assumptions.  The people I looked up to were people that could use logic and push their mental capabilities to their limits to solve problems.  It seemed they also believed that logic was the only way forward.  What I failed to realize is that there are other things that, if we give them the same type of effort, also help orient us and help us understand.

Now, the next part is really subtle.  Because in my old mindset I could read this next part and write it off or say “ah ha, yes I see” quite quickly because I could follow the logic.  But with some pause and contemplation on the matter, this next thing is a good description of the reorientation.  Ok.

We have five senses.  Sight, Touch, Smell, Taste, and Hearing.  There are many critters around us that don’t have all of these senses.  We don’t tend to think of plants as having these abilities.  Worms have Touch.  Different bugs have different combinations of these things.  They have no ability of any kind to know about the other senses.  If they cannot Hear, they cannot know what a sound would be like.  It’s not comprehensible.  As a human, I assumed the five senses I have are the maximum.  There’s no “other” senses, this is it.  What a silly thing to think!  Again, that is my ego talking.  As if being “top of the food chain” means nothing else could possibly exist beyond what I have access to.

On top of this, I also assumed that I should spend the majority of my life focused on understanding logic and improving my ability to comprehend things through logic.  I still think this is really huge.  Understanding in any sense is always good, but I had weighted logic on a scale of 1 to 10 as a 10 and weighted other things as “does not apply”.  This is a slight exaggeration but not by much.  When did I decide to give emotion the cold shoulder?  I spend all this time and effort understanding my ability to logically think through things and understand things, and then never stopped to think, whoah, what are my emotions trying to tell me?  Well, one thought I have is that emotions are chemicals, it’s all just back to logic.  That allowed me to dismiss them immediately.  It’s like you have seven rooms in your home but only one door is unlocked and so you spend your whole life in it instead of trying to find the keys to the other doors.  Somewhere along the way, maybe in my subconscious or maybe it was always there whispering, the thought occurred to me that I could look for the key.  Can you imagine?  You thought your whole home was this one room your entire life and all the sudden you open a door to another room?  Well, at this point, I have yet to find a light switch, there is some heavy stuff blocking the door and maybe something living in there so I can only peak inside the dark room.  But yes, this room is here, and I bet there are more rooms.  There may be other homes outside of my own as well.

This brings it back to the confusion I was talking about in the beginning.  So I’ve created these assumptions that build firmly on a foundational assumption that all I know and all I can know is all there is and the way to know is to use your brain.  It’s like the room I have lived in is the kitchen and maybe this other room is the library and I’m assuming I’ll need to use forks and knives to read the books.  It’s very disorienting.

So, this is the basis of my decision to flee.  I’ve built a world for myself that stands on one leg and a sandcastle, so I need to strip down and rebuild, all the way from the foundation.  That means pursuing life from a different perspective.  Unfortunately, other people tend to reinforce this in me.  Media reinforces this tremendously, the “collective voice”.  So I am pairing down to the world that sits well with my soul, and doesn’t result in me throwing red flags at myself.  That means nature, few possessions, intention on the voice inside that’s slowly being allowed to speak from time to time.  For me, it’s really the only way out.  Out of a life lived under anesthesia.  I have no idea what to expect.  But you are all invited to be a part of the ride with me.